Three Kisses
by Jade8
Summary: In her entire life she had only had three kisses which mattered to her........in her entire life she had only ever loved two men.........in the end she would have to choose one....Please review
1. Three Kisses

"In her entire life she had only had three kisses which mattered to her. There was her first kiss, courtesy of her first boyfriend. How could anyone forget that. The next was given by someone who made her entire sophomore year miserable. She disliked him intensely, but at the same time there was always that spark, and in that kiss there were a million unvocalized thoughts. The third was her doing. The brilliant, rebellious, misfit in her small town. How could she not fall for him. That kiss was so sudden and intense, she still blushes when she thinks of it." True she had had other kisses since then, but those three are one that she compares them all to. And those are the ones to which no one since has ever measured up." 


	2. Unfinshed and Irreplaceable

"Very nice piece miss Gilmore." was her teachers remarks.

"I wonder if she was speaking of herself." someone in the back whispered

"Very nice, but it seems unfinished, I mean if those three were so special, then which of them did she end up with?" asked a man in the corner.

"But that is the ending," she defended, " that they all left their mark and then disappeared from her life. But so what does it matter, it's fiction, not real." She cried.

"Yeah, right." someone mumbled

As she walked out of her class she thought of the boys remark. Unfinished. Was that what ut was.

She tried to not believe it, told herself that it was over on all three counts. But she knew that the class had picked up on what she had been trying to not believe for over 3 years. Already he was in her second year at Harvard, and still no one had ever quite measured up. Her first kiss no one ever could measure up to in terms of importance. It wasn't the best kiss of her life but it was the first. She knew it was over with him, there was no doubt about that, but there would always be that comparison. The other two though.... Never had so much gone into a kiss, as had for both of those. Sitting on the piano bench with him, she saw the walls fall, saw who he really was, and in that split second of weakness, had fallen. She had never been able to admit it to herself, but she had fallen for him. True she also disliked him intensely, but when he wanted to be, he could be, well, nice.. And the kiss, so soft and tender but at the same time so full of yearning and unspoken passion. Once he had left, she admitted to herself that she had liked him. He was gone so suddenly, in a whirlwind of action. But that same wind brought in a new stranger. This one was quite unlike anyone else she had ever met. He was rebellious and moody, but with her he was unlike anybody she knew. He was witty and smart and opinionated and made her laugh and smile. For him too she had fallen. Hard. When she kissed him it was with all the passion she had spent so long trying to make go away. But it wouldn't . That kiss changed everything. They were together up until she left for Harvard. He broke up with her the day before she left without reason or warning. And so for the past two years she had been alone. There had been a few guys, some really great ones actually, but she never felt the chemistry and heat she had with him found within their playful banter, or the passion and affection she had when she was with him. Those two were quite unlike anyone else, and she feared, quite irreplaceable.


	3. Control

The room was dark and crowded. There was a piano playing somewhere towards the back. It was smoky and everyone kept to themselves. Perfect, he thought to himself. When he sat down at the bar, the bartender immediately asked what he wanted. He answered without hesitation, the same drink he had turned to for so long, scotch, straight up. He downed it in one gulp, grimacing at the taste of the harsh liquor, and ordered another. He downed that one as well, relishing in the idea of drowning his sorrows in the golden liquid. He had seen Her today. He hadn't seen her for almost three years, although he had thought of her constantly. But seeing her, in the flesh brought back rush of feelings and resurfaces memories he wasn't ready to deal with. 

By the end of his third drink he was feeling a bit more capable of sorting his thoughts. He had loved her from the moment he had first seen her. So pure and innocent, the opposite of everything he was, of what his world was. With her came two firsts. She was the first person he ever truly loved and the first thing he had ever been denied. He tried winning her, used every trick he knew, but still she wouldn't have him. She was beyond his grasp, untouched by his worlds and above him in every way. She wouldn't be tricked into being his. She was different. And that made him want her all the more.

She had become an obsession for him; he did everything to distance himself from her, did everything in his power he could to forget her. He was a jerk to her and kicked himself for it. He had wanted to apologize to her, and then he got himself shipped away. The look in her eyes when he said he was gone was one he could never forget, it was burned into his memory. Those eyes haunted him at his new school. Those beautiful eyes in which he had lovingly gazed had looked at him with disappointment and a faint hint of disgust at his idiotic behaviour. He began to hate the her for what he had let himself become because of her. He had been the king of the court and now he was a thousand miles away, forgotten, with only the memory of her eyes to keep him company. He loved all the same, but as hatred crawled into his heart, he perverted his love and hatred into one. They became one in the same. In seek of refuge, his only solace was at the bottom of a glass, in that blissful haze where things could be forgotten. But when they came rushing back the every morning, it made it all the worse, and so he drank that much more. He drank until he landed himself in a hospital. He was sick for days and when he looked into a mirror and saw what he had become because of her, and hated what he saw. He had drank himself out of university, out of a future, out of life. In that mirror he saw who he had been, who he was and who he could be. He hated the former two, but that latter he liked, because it was the last which was worthy of her approval. He resolved to become the person he had not let himself be, the person his world had not let him be. The person She had seen in him.

In those few seconds, he managed to begin to unravel love from hate. He saw clearly for the first time in almost two years. He started to come to terms with his life and what he had become. He knew he would always love her, could never forget her, but he couldn't hate her anymore. How could he have ever hated her, he asked himself over and over again. A little voice in the back of his head said because she made you weak, and you cannot be weak. He avoided going home for fear of seeing her, for losing his newfound strength, for fear of becoming weak at the very sight of her. He had to make himself strong again before he could look at her, or he knew he would crumble.

It had been a few months since he had began his road to recovery and he was feeling strong again. His family kept asking him to come home, and so he finally did, the return of the prodical son. He applied to Her university, and was accepted, beginning in the second semester. He felt proud of himself, something he hadn't felt in years. He found a place to stay in the city, a loft shared with an old friend. He had been there for a few weeks without seeing her, he wasn't sure he could handle it, so he had avoided going out a lot. 

He was walking around the grounds at the school, trying to get his bearings straight before he started the semester. Then he heard her voice. He never forgot how she sounded. He turned around slowly, almost fearful of what he would see. She was walking with a guy, A wave of jealousy washed over him. He couldn't handle seeing her yet, he felt the urge to run. He needed a drink, badly. He ducked away when she looked in his direction. He hoped she hadn't seen him. He found the bar as fast as he could, and proceeded to try and get drunk. 

When he had finished his fourth drink he got up from his revery. He hated himself for drinking again and tried to shake off that familiar haze he had once sought as comfort. Time, all he needed was time. He repeated this several times in his head. He would get better with time, he hoped. He didn't know what his future held, but he resolved to not let himself spiral out of control again. He though of her again, and his resolve faltered a bit. She had that effect on him. He had to try though. He loved her and always would, he accepted that, but he needed to be able to be around her without fucking himself up again. 

He paid the bartender. As he got up from hi seat, he looked around. Almost everyone in there wore a similar expression to the one he wore, that look of sadness, of reverie. One face in particular stood out to him. The man's thoughts were clearly written on his face. Perhaps he recognized the look so well, as it was his exact look too. That look of longing, of love, mixed with a touch of hatred. Of wanting something, someone and not being able to have it. Of hating yourself, and loving her. Of fearing her, yet needing to be with her, to gain closure. As he looked at the man, he looked up and their eyes met. Ice blue met Deep brown. They shared a moment of understanding, of mutual pain. He then looked down, and he continued his departure. As he walked out of the smoke filled room into the clear night air he felt better. He looked up at the night sky and prayed he would be able to get straight again. He was determined to be worthy if not of her love, then at least her friendship. With that thought he walked into the night.


	4. Redemption

He watched as the young man got up from his seat. He had never et him before but when he turned and looked around their eyes met. In that brief second, he recognized the pain in his eyes, for he was feeling it too. He watched him walk out of the bar with a determined look on his face. He wished luck for the stranger. 

  
  


He reached into his pocket and lite a cigarette. He had quite for a year. The year he was with her. He had only started up when he had left the little town, left her. He came to the bar almost every night. He sat there and thought, he found the atmosphere relaxing. He often wrote his best work sitting in the corner. Tonight wasn't for writing though, it was for remembering, because today he had seen Her. 

He knew she went to school there, but he thought the odds of seeing her were slim to none. He should have know fate wouldn't let that happen. He had been in his home city, but when he had gotten the job offer, it was one he couldn't refuse. For 5 months he had been in the same city as her without seeing her. When he was sent to the university to do some research, he had figured he wouldn't see her. He spent the whole day in the library with no sight of her. As he was leaving he heard a familiar voice behind him. He said a silent curse and quickly looked back. He instantly regretted it. It was Her. And G-d if it was possible, she looked better then ever. 

  
  


He had wanted to talk to her, to apologize to her, but how could she forgive him after he had done what he did. He knew he must have broken her heart, because his had been broken ever since. It was so stupid he realized after. He had had Her, the girl he was in love with, she was his, he hers. Then he just left her. No good-bye, no explanation, he just left, went home. Only it wasn't home anymore, she was home. He wished he had called, or went back, to explain why he did what he did, but he was a coward. Instead he pushed her to the back of his mind. He found a job, miraculously. He realized without her, he probably wouldn't have. He had so much to thank her for, and what did he do, he takes her heart an shatters it. 

  
  


He didn't think about her during the day, he consciously made an effort no to do so, but at night she was the only thing on his mind. He inquired after her, asking his uncle about her whenever he talked with him, but there was not much he told him. He wanted to go and see her, but the longer he stayed away, the harder it became, the very though of facing her, seeing the pain in her eyes was too much. He had this image of the look she had in her eyes when she found out he had just left her, the day before she was supposed to begin university. He had seen her, because unbeknown to anyone, he had watched her read his note. His note saying simply "You wouldn't understand". The picture was burned into his memory. How could he ever think she wouldn't understand why he left her. Probably because he didn't understand why he did it either.

  
  


When he got the job offer in her city, the job was to good to turn down. And so he came back. He thought, at first, that if he ran into her it wouldn't be so bad. He even went so far as to look her up. But his cowardice took over and he couldn't bring himself to even call . And so for 5 months he had come to the bar almost every night, trying to not think of her. The today he had seen her, and any feeling he had hoped faded came roaring back with a vengeance. There was a naked pain in his eyes. He had hurt the only person that had ever loved him unconditionally, aside from his uncle, and he had thrown that love in her face. 

He saw the blue eyes man come into the bar. Watched him as he went through his reverie, much like he had done as well. When brown met blue, there was mutual pain, mutual understanding. He watched the blue eyes man leave. He decided he needed to do the same. He got up paid his bill and walked into the night air. He lit a fresh cigarette and took a long drag. He needed courage, he told himself. Courage to face the pain he had so carelessly caused. He would redeem himself somehow. He would always love her, he knew, he just prayed that she could love him, too. With that he walked into the night


	5. Memories

She was walking with a friend from her writing workshop. He was babbling about some article he had read in the paper. Her mind was a million miles away. Her mind kept returning to her class. What did he mean, unfinished. But the more she thought about it, the more she knew it was the truth. Neither story was complete, but in both cases she hadn't been able to do anything about it.

  
  


When he said he was leaving he just stood there for a moment. She couldn't mask the disappointment she knew he read in her eyes, as well as the faint hint of disgust. But it wasn't only disappointment in his actions , but over the fact that, ever since their first kiss she had slowly fallen for him, and now there was no way to do anything about it. Her boyfriend was just feet away, glaring at the two of them standing there. She wanted to kiss him or something, anything, any way to touch him, but she couldn't. And then he was gone from her life forever. To this day she was haunted by that final farewell, the unspoke words which hung between them. She was plagued by what if's over every action she had ever took in concern to him. 

When she first met him, she had instantly disliked him. He was everything she hated about the world, went against every way in which she had been brought up. He was arrogant, cocky and annoying, but no matter how hard she tried she couldn't help but feel a little flattered at his attention. They had become a type of friend, banter full of tension flew between them. On the rare occasion, like at the party she saw him naked before him, the real man behind the glitz. And that's when she began to fall. She couldn't admit it, but she was. But she was with Him, the boyfriend, how could she have feelings for anyone else. And he couldn't have been sincere, it wasn't in his nature. Too many times had he covered up the real person, behind the playboy. She was convinced he had no true feelings for her, that she was just another trophy, another notch on his belt. Sure he could be decent, better than decent at times, but they were to far and few between for her to be convinced that he held any true emotion for her. And it hurt her because all the while she was falling for him.

  
  


The second year he ignored her. Was rude to her. He hung with the wrong people. She missed him, missed their banter and their semi-friendship. She knew he was slipping away into a world away from her grasp. When he joined their group for the play, she tried to talk, but she came out sounding like a parent or a teacher, not at all what she had wanted. The tension between them was still there though, so she asked him not to tell her boyfriend about their kiss. She said it meant nothing to her, tired to keep the lie from showing in her eyes. He looked almost hurt when she said that, but he was turning into even more of an ass each day so she chalked it up to wounded pride. When he was shipped off, she thought of him a lot. There were so many what if's and unknowns it was hard to close that chapter. And so it was always open, waiting for another chance. 

  
  


She paused mid-stride. He companion stopped as well and looked in the direction she was facing. Her face had gone white. She looked like she had seen a ghost. She felt like she had, for, for a split second she thought she saw him. Then just as quickly he was gone, just a memory. She wasn't sure it she had actually seen him, it couldn't have been possible. Last she heard, he was in another state, drinking himself into an early grave. But still, what if it was him. Her mind started going a mile minute. She was confused, to many memories for one day. 

Later that evening she headed for a bar she knew. As she was turning the corner, she saw a young man walking the other way. He paused took a long breath and continued on his way, a hint of renewed determination in his stride. She went inside and sat in the corner. She ordered an amoretto sour. As she was waiting for the drink, she saw a man get up to leave. She watched him, he was so familiar looking, she just couldn't quite figure it out. If only it were a bit brighter and less smoky. He stopped at the entrance. He lit a cigarette. She suddenly realized who he reminded of. Him. 


	6. Dwelling

Oh G-d this just wasn't her day with memories. First at school, now this. It was something in the way he looked, the way he walked, hell, everything about him seemed familiar. She hadn't seen him since, since he br..since he left to go home. She never knew why. One day she's the happiest person in the world, the next her heart was in a million pieces. 

He waltzed into the town, hating everyone and everything about it. He was rebellious, rude, brilliant, insightful. She was still with her boyfriend. She spent time with him. She liked his company. He was so smart and so good to her. Her mother hated him, said he was a bad influence, the kind of guy she should be avoiding. Her boyfriend wasn't too fond of him either. But she was. She fell for him, broke her write with him, hell she went to New York for him. She kissed him when he came back It was so sudden, so intense, but so right. She kissed him with months of built up emotions, kissed him so hard he was practically knocked off his feet. They had both gotten lost in the kiss. When he started to put his arms around her, she came back to the world. She was so ashamed of herself, for what she had done, she had a boyfriend. But she felt nop remorse for her actions. As she ran away she welcomed him home. She wished she could have a picture of the look on his face.

  
  


She went to Washington for the six weeks, she had to get out of the town, sort her thoughts. By the end of the six weeks she had made her decision. When she got home she broke up with Him. He was furious with her, accused her of cheating on him. He yelled and screamed and she let him. It was the last time she ever spoke with him. She went to his place after that and knocked on the door. He opened it. There were no words spoken, there was no need for any. He understood, he always did. He kissed her, she let him wrap her in his arms. She felt like she belonged in them. Her mother wasn't happy, the two wasn't happy, only the two of them were happy. Over time everyone began to see this. They saw the influence she had on him, calming him down. Saw the influence he had on her, she became more daring, bolder. The went well together. 

  
  


She knew she was in love with him. He had told her that he loved her too. She had once asked if he expected sex. He looked almost hurt when she asked. He said he would never ask of her anything she wasn't ready or willing to give, said he wanted her first time to be special. The night before she was leaving for university they were discussing, well more like arguing over an interpretation of a book. There argument was so heated, they were to the point of shouting. Her mom was out for the whole night. At one point she was yelling at him and he kissed her, hard. 

"What was that for." She asked

"Only way I could think of to shut you up." was his reply.

  
  


She kissed him back. He grabbed on to her, deepening the kiss. They walked back until she was against the wall. She pulled out of the kiss and looked at his eyes. In them she saw love and desire. She knew her eyes showed the same. She led him to her bedroom, slowly taking off her cloths and his. There were no words between them the entire time. They were in perfect harmony, their bodies became one. The climaxed together and she fell asleep in his arms. The next morning when she woke up he was gone. No letter, nothing to explain his absence. She was due to leave that morning, he was supposed to come on the drive with her and her mother. He was nowhere to be found though. She went to his apartment. His clothes and belongings were gone, his uncle had no idea where he was. 

  
  


She refused to cry. She held back the tears. She felt cheap and dirty and used and she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces for the second time in two years. Both of them were now gone. She never knew why, he never tried to call. When she was alone in her dorm room she finally cried. She cried herself to sleep every night for a month. She slowly recovered, becoming more and more herself. Once again, her business was unfished, another chapter which couldn't be closed. She thought about both of them less and less often, she could recover from wounds, but she could never get over either of them, at least not with some closure.

  
  


It had been a year. She rarely thought of either of them. She promised not to dwell on the past. She got on with her life. She had dreams to fulfill, and no one was going to stop her. But every so often a thought of one of them popped into her mind, and she was forced into the past. Like today. 

  
  


She finished the last of her drink and got up to pay. She walked out of the bar into the night air. She breathed in a few fresh breaths. "The past is in the past," she thought to herself, "it just seems to always find ways into my present." With that she walked of, a lone figure, into the night.


	7. Courage

He couldn't believe he was there. After all those months had finally worked up enough courage to see her. He looked up her address. It was only a few blocks from his place. He decided to go on a Saturday, mid-morning, sure she would be home then. He still had three days to go. He was so nervous to see her, he could barley concentrate on his classes. He had seen her a few more times on campus. He was pretty sure she hadn't seen him, but a few times it was a close call. At first he avoided meeting her as he wasn't sure if he was quite ready. Then eventually it was less for that reason and more for the fact that when he was ready to see her, he wanted to surprise her with his presence in the city.  
  
Saturday came all to fast. He was up early....who was he kidding, he hadn't slept all night. He went to take a shower, letting the beating water massage his tense body. He stepped out of the shower and dried off his body. He stared at his image in the mirror. His body was still perfectly toned, his daily workout making sure of that. He still looked the same, almost. Clear blue eyes, tousled blond hair, a playful smile, but there was something in his eyes, pain, longing, love and loss, giving him a mature look not usually seen in one so young. He got dressed quickly, but carefully in a pair of khakis ands a black shirt. He looked in the mirror one more time and walked out of the apartment, satisfied with his appearance.

He arrived at her place at 10:55. He prepared to knock on the door, but suddenly he lost his confidence. What if she didn't want to see him, what if she wasn't there, what if she was there but with a boyfriend. Then suddenly, he was knocking on the door, his hand moving of it's own accord. He pulled his hand down. He heard a voice from inside. "Just a minute". It was her, he began to sweat.

She opened the door. He couldn't speak, he just stared, so awestruck was he with her beauty. She hadn't changed a bit, still gorgeous beyond words. Still the same, except her eyes. Her eyes mirrored his, pain, longing, disappointment, lost love. He immediately wanted to find the person who did that to those haunting, beloved eyes. A sudden thought that he was the cause of some of that pain flashed through his mind, but he pushed it away. She would have had to have had feelings for him for that to be possible.  
  


He attempt to say something but his lips refused to move. She looked at him for a moment. He began to get nervous. She rubbed her eyes like she couldn't believe what she was seeing. He got even more nervous. The she beamed a him.

"Welcome home." she said

her voice was music to his ears. She stepped aside allowing him to come in. He walked in.  
  
  


  
  
  
  



	8. Hopeless

She heard a knock on the door. She looked at the clock, eleven o'clock. She wasn't expecting anyone and her roommate was gone for the weekend. She called out to wait a minute. She wondered who it was. She opened the door and almost slammed it again.

She stared at him. It had to be him. She remembered how she thought she had seen him a few times in the past weeks. She had assumed she was imagining things. He had been on her mind a lot lately. He looked the same as far as she could tell. He was dressed casually but with an elegance he also seemed to give off. His hair was still perfectly tousled, the same blond hair she had always wanted to run her hands through. 

Only his eyes had changed. She recognized the emotions in them, they mirrored her own; full of pain, longing, desire... She wondered what had changed those once mischievous eyes, with that sparkle she so well remembered. She continued to stare, almost not believing that he was actually there. She rubbed her eyes to make sure he was real. He was. She smiled at him. 

"Welcome home." She said. She moved aside, and he walked in. She closed he door behind him and leaned against it. She felt unsteady all of a sudden.

  
  


"It's so good to see you." He said to her.

"You too." She replied.

"So....., how's Harvard going for you?" He asked. He felt very uncomfortable suddenly, he didn't know what to say.

"It's fabulous. I'm going to assume that it was you that I've been seeing for the past few weeks." She said to him.

"Yes, I suppose it's possible." he answered.

"So, umm...where do you live?" she asked.

"A few blocks west of here he answered. I live with an old friend, Marc." he said

"I remember him she said."

"So who do you live with?" he asked.

"A friend from home, Lane. She's out of town." she answered

"Seeing anyone?" he inquired.

"No, you?"

"Nope."

  
  


They both stood there in an uncomfortable silence. He struggled to think of a way to ease the tension which had grown ever since he came inside. A lightbulb went off.

"Coffee?"

"Please!" she answered. They walked over to the nearest one.

  
  


Coffee was the perfect solution. They began to talk about school, friends, work, all the casual, superficial topics. The walked around a bit, then he walked her home.

"So can we go out again sometime?" she looked at him, startled. " I mean, it's so nice to be with old friends." She calmed down.

"Of course, although I never realized we were friends."She said in a teasing manner, their familiar banter had picked up again.

"You wound me." he answered with mock hurt in his eyes.

"Of course we can go out again, you know I'm always up for coffee."

She gave him her cell number and she took his. He said goodbye and left. She closed the door and collapsed against it. She had had a million questions to ask him, but she would need time. She felt confused. When she saw him she had been thrilled. Her time with him could not have been better. She was even looking forward to going out with him again, but she was worried.. She had never quite gotten over him, but she knew he had never reciprocated her feelings. If she had previously held even an inkling of hope, his manner this afternoon had shattered that. Not that he was rude, in fac, he was the perfect gentleman, but everything in his manner seemed to imply he only desired friendship from her. He had flirted, a lot actually, but that was the nature of their relationship. She had tried to keep a casual air of friendship, but too often that day she had found herself getting lost in those beautiful, blue eyes full of hidden emotion. "Well at least I won't have to worry falling for him again," she mused, "cause I already have." she banged her head against the door. "I'm hopeless she thought." and walked to her room.

  
  


As he left her place, he took two huge breaths. It was over, their first meeting was over, and her was fine. Sure he had been nervous, but somehow being with her put hin at ease. He had easily fallen back into their old routine. He flirted, she flirted back. They picked up easily on their old banter. They talked. He kept the topics superficial, not wanting to go deep, but he was sure she didn't mind. He could all to well understand the look in her eyes when they strayed to near to a topic which made one of them uncomfortable. Like relationships for her, and what he'd ben up to for him. He was thrilled when she said she would go out with him again. The look in her eyes though, before he clarified as friends, saddened him. If he had ever retained any hope of her having any sort of feelings towards him other than friendship, it had been completely lost. He thought of her eyes. All day he had found himself getting lost in her eyes. They were so beautiful, just as he remembered them, but they were scarred, full of a pain he could not ease. He knew he was falling for her again, had already fallen. "Great, just great." he thought. He thought for sure it couldn't be healthy. Again he had fallen for the same girl, who once again didn't want him in return. "I won't let myself be ruined by it this time." He thought. He knew this time round would be different, he knew he would be satisfied with her friendship. Not happy mind you, but satisfied. The only thing that wouldn't be different was that once again he as head over heels. "I'm hopeless." he thought, and continued home.

  
  
  
  



	9. Bittersweet

For a few weeks they had been meeting, going for coffee, for dinner and movies. They would talk more and more often. Each time they saw each other their conversations become less shallow, they headed for more personal territory. She told him what had happened with her, about her relationship with them. She left out a certain part of course. She never once let on that she had been and was once again in love with him. He told her about what happened when he was sent off, what happened to him before he came back home, his problems with alcohol. He never mentioned the reason behind all his actions. He too never let on that he had been in love with her and was still in love with her.  
  


They could see in each others eyes that certain truths had been emitted from they're stories, but they understood the pain and so neither pried. One evening she couldn't resist asking him.

"Why did you find me?" he looked at her confused. "I mean, you knew I was in the city, but what made you decide to come to my apartment?" she asked.

"I wanted a friend." he answered simply.

"Well not that we're not friends now, but up until a few weeks ago, I didn't know you considered me a friend." she said.

"At our old school," he began, "there was no one ever real. Everyone was fake and I hated it. Then you showed up, you weren't like us, you were untouched by the world which I hated. Sure I didn't act like it most of the time, but you were a friend to me. I was just not very nice to you, I was never taught how to act around a real friend. When I came here, I found the same people I had hated back then. I knew you were here, I wanted someone real." he said.

She smiled. "Can you forgive me for the way I treated you?" he asked.

"Of course." she answered.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes. "I didn't hate you, you know." she said suddenly. " I never hated you. I was annoyed by you yes, but never hated you..You might have been an arrogant jerk most of the time, but I could see in your eyes a different person, someone better than the people around him." he looked bewildered. "I just wanted you to know that. " she stammered in explanation. 

"I appreciate knowing that. You don't know how much it means to me to hear that." he said  
  


they sat there drinking there coffee in a pleasant silence. He got up and said he had to go. She said she was going to sit and read for a while longer. She still carried a book wherever she went. He smiled at that. He paid for their drinks, said goodbye and walked out. She smiled. Even if he never loved her back in the way she wanted him too, she would always have a friend in him. He was thinking the exact same thing as he was leaving. They both held a feeling of bittersweetness.  
  


She sat there for an hour longer. She had never actually read the book. She had been thinking, about life about love. She asked herself, why that whenever she fell in love, she always got hurt. She was getting up to leave, when a young man walked in. He was very familiar looking. Her jaw dropped open. It couldn't be, not after all these years. He looked up and their eyes locked. It was him. She sat back down, her eyes showing the pain of an old wound re-opened. He was back.


	10. Forgive

It had been a few weeks since he had seen her. He had avoided going onto the university campus. He needed to figure out how to approach her. What could he possibly say to her, how could he ever get her to forgive him. He knew she would forgive him if he asked, she had too big of a heart, but he didn't want just her forgiveness. He wanted her trust, her love, Her. On several occasions he had headed in the direction of her apartment, intent on talking to her, but each time he had lost his nerve and turned back.   
  


He had finally found the nerve to speak to her, he was sure of it this time. He went to her apartment. Her roommate recognized him. He wasn't surprised at her curtness with him. She was her best friend, she had been there as the shoulder which she had cried on. 

"What do you want?" she asked

"To talk with r...." he began, she cut him off. 

"I know you do. I'm going to speak my mind now and you're going to listen. I don't know why you've suddenly crawled out from underneath your rock, but whatever you have to say, an apology and explanation of your disgusting behaviour had better be a part of it." she said

"That's why I've come." he said

"But that's not only why you've come. You're still in love with her. You want her back. I can see it in your eyes. Whatever happens, if you hurt her gain, I will take all her emotional pain and turn it into physical pain for you." she said

he smiled. "I wouldn't dream of hurting her." he said.

"You've done it before. " she said

he opened his mouth to say something.

"She's not here." she said and closed the door.  
  


He left the building thinking about what she had said. He walked into a coffee shop a few streets away. He saw a young man walk out of the coffee shop, a smile on his lips. He felt like he had seen that man before, just couldn't recollect when. He continued in. There were a few people inside. There was a young woman reading a book at one of the tables. It reminded him of her. They met eyes briefly, a shiver of recognition went through him. There eyes met again for longer. It was her. He just stared. She got up and started out. He grabbed her arm to stop her.  
  


"Let go." she shouted.

"Please I need to talk to you." he begged 

"I don't want to talk to you. I have nothing to say and I don't want to listen to anything you have to say to me.

"Please, I need to." he said, she softened under the desperate look of his warm brown eyes.

"Fine," she said, "we can talk in the park..  
  


They walked in sn uncomfortable silence to the park. The sat down on an empty bench, in a secluded area.

"Well, talk!" she said to him.

"All I need from you today is to listen to what I have to say. I'm not going to ask for forgiveness for what I did, I can't ask for it. But you do deserve an explanation, and an apology. I can never express to you how much you changed me. Before I meant you, I was nothing and going nowhere. I owe you everything I have. You helped me find my way, to find myself. You loved me unconditionally and had complete trust in me. You gave me your heart and I smashed it into a million pieces. That night, when we...were together, it was the greatest night of my life. It was the first time in my life that I had been with someone who actually meant something to me. Someone I loved. But when you were sleeping, I began to think. I was still no one and you were everything. You had so much going for you, your future was so bright. And mine, well it was uncertain. You had already put me on a path, but I still had a long way to travel to even come close to where you were. I knew how much work you had ahead of you and I felt like I was just going to hold you back. I was like this shackle on your leg, keeping you from achieving your greatest possible height. I didn't deserve you. You needed someone better than me, someone worthy of your time, of you love. So I ran. It was an unforgivable thing to do, but you have to believe that I never meant to hurt you the way I know I did. I watched you, you know, when you were leaving. I saw your eyes. Those eyes have haunted me ever since. I never stopped loving you and everything I did, I did to make myself worthy of you. Everything I did is meaningless though, cause I can never be worthy of you, I see that, after what I did. I can never forgive myself, just as I cannot ask for your forgiveness in this. I don't deserve it. I'm sorry, for everything, for hurting you. The only thing I'm going to ask of you is this. I want to earn your trust and friendship again. I will do anything I have to, anything. Are you going to allow me this.?"

She couldn't help a small smile. "You can ask that. I've got to say this though, when I woke up that morning, I've never in my life felt so cheap and used. I hated you then. Not anymore, but then I did. You hurt me, more than anyone in my life. I don't know if I can ever get over that. But even through all if that, I've missed you. You were my first. I would like your friendship again. Work hard for it." she smiled as she said the last bit.

She got up to leave. He remained seated. She looked back at him.

"I know you didn't ask for it, but you have it you know." and walked out.

He smiled inwardly. She had forgiven him. He couldn't help loving her even more for that. She was the most amazing person he knew. He would have her again, he would make himself worthy. He got up, paid and walked out.

She had fallen for him again. In those brief five minutes. She knew she would. She had given him her forgiveness, he hadn't asked for it, but by coming to her and telling her the reason why he left, for being open and honest, finally, he had earned it. She was still wary of him, a bit distrustful. Only time could tell. He still had a long way to go, but his finding her was a start. She just hoped he wouldn't break her heart again. She walked into the night she thought, "What a day."


	11. Choices

It had been two months since both men had come back into her life. Both men had told her that they were in love with her. It shocked her, particularly in reference to one, because although she had always been in love with him, she had assumed her didn't reciprocate. To find out he did caused her a lot of confusion. Since then her heart had been torn into two pieces, each fighting to be whole, a struggle which was emotionally killing her. The effects of this internal war were showing up in her academics, in her writing, in her social behaviour. Friends and family saw she was having trouble, but noone knew the cause. Except them. Neither knew of the others presence in her life. She kept them apart. Each blamed her troubles on themselves. Each tried, unsuccessfully to help her. Only one person in the world understood her pain, one who's heart had also been torn in two. Her mother knew how it felt. Her mother had been forced to choose between her real father, and a man who was her father figure. When she went home for a weekend, her mother instantly recognized the look in her eyes. The only thing she cold tell her was she would have to choose. Yes, choosing meant hurting one, but it was unfair to them and it was killing her to keep up in her actions. She asked her mother how she did it.

"I listened to my heart." was her only answer.  
  


She thought about what her mom had said to her all weekend. She would sit silently for hours trying to listen to her heart, but she heard only her own breathing. She made list after list weighing the benefits and consequences of her decision. She was in love with both, and they in turn loved her. She didn't know how to choose. Her heart said two different things. Her head pounded. She was emotionally unstable. She went back to her place with no more answers than she had had when she left.  
  


She went out with him one night. He saw the look in her eyes. It was full of pain and desperation. He had no idea if she loved him. 

"Please tell me what's wrong." he said.

"It's complicated." she answered, avoiding his eyes. He recognized the connotation of the words. He had heard the same response when he asked his mother about her supposed affair.

"What's his name." he said. She looked up at him.

"how do..." she began. 

"I've heard your answer before, I recognize the look in your eyes." he said

"Oh."

"Do you love him?" he needed the truth, even if it might hurt.

"I'm confused" she answered. He felt a stab in his heart.

"Do you love me?" he had never asked that before. She looked at him.

"I'm confused." she said, and walked out.

He felt no better for her answer, but he didn't feel any worse. She hadn't said no. She said she was confused. That meant there was still hope. He walked out, breathed in the night air.  
  


She saw him a few nights later. He saw the look in her eyes. It was full of pain and desperation. He had no idea if she loved him. 

"Please tell me what's wrong." he said.

"It's complicated." she answered. He knew what those words implied.   
  


"What's his name." he said. She looked up at him.

"how do..." she began. 

"I've heard your answer before, I recognize the look in your eyes." he said

"Oh."

"Do you love him?" he needed the truth, even if it might hurt.

"I'm confused" she answered. He felt a stab in his heart.

"Do you love me?" he had never asked that before. She looked at him.

"I'm confused." she said, and walked out. 

He felt no better for her answer, but he didn't feel any worse. She hadn't said no. She said she was confused. That meant there was still hope. He walked out, breathed in the night air.  
  
She was walking home. When she heard someone come up behind her. She turned around to see who it was. He was standing there smiling. The sun shone down, making his hair a glistening gold. His blue eyes were twinkling with a mischievous light. He looked then just as he had before he went away, before his eyes took on a look of one who had experienced pain beyond his years. He took her hand and led her to a coffee shop. He bought her a drink and they sat down.

"Well, what's going on?" she said.

"Happy birthday." he answered. She smiled, he remembered. "I have a very lovely evening planed for us." he said. Her smile faded, she wanted to go out with him, but He also had hinted that he had something planned as well. She didn't know what to do.

"He's taking you out." it was more of a statement than a question.

"I think he was planning on it." she said. 

She still hadn't made her choice. She still hadn't told either one that she loved him. both were waiting for her to come to them, neither wanted to push, lest they push her into the others arms.

"I have to go." she said. She walked out. She had left a book.

She began to walk home. She again felt someone behind her. She turned to tell him she didn't know what she wanted to do, but it wasn't him. Her eyes met brown instead of blue. He smiled, she didn't.

"Happy birthday." he said, she gave a half-hearted smile. He hugged her, turning her in the air. Suddenly she saw him walking up to her, holding her book. He saw Him. their eyes locked. Each felt a small tingle of recognition, feeling as though they had seen one another before. They instantly knew who the other was.

"You forgot you book." he said giving it to her.

"Thank you." she said. She kept a calm look on her face, but her eyes betrayed her inner distress. She had never told either who the "other" one was. She had never let them meet. She hadn't wanted anything to happen. Now she couldn't stop it. They eyed each other, each tyring to size up his rival.

"So I suppose you think your taking her out?" one said.

"I suppose you think the same." said the other.

They both looked at her. She knew she would have to decide. She didn't know what to do. Her eyes filled with tears. They both went to comfort her at the same time. One tried to stop they other, pushing him away. He retaliated back pushing him too. It all happened so fast, she didn't know what happened. They were now physically fighting each other. Each felt he had to prove himself to her. They kept on beating each other, a crowd began to form. She tried to stop them she begged and cried, but neither listened. It became a struggle to prove who was the better man. They punched kicked and pushed. Both had blood on their faces and clothes.

"ENOUGH!" she screamed. They both stared and looked.

"Both of you are acting like children." she said

"You have to choose." One of them said. "You have to make the choice. Fine, one of us will get hurt, but at least then we'll know and we can move on. It can't go on like this anymore." 

"I know." she said weakly.

"Here's how it will work. I'll be at the park tonight at seven. He'll be at the coffee shop at the same time. It's equal distance to both. Whoever you choose, you meet him there tonight. The other can walk away after that. Are we all in agreement?" the other man nodded his approval. She reluctantly agreed as well. Each left her. She stood there, she had no idea what to do. They were right, she had to let one go, but she couldn't stand the idea of hurting one. She loved both of them so much, and she hadn't to either of them. Now one would leave tonight thinking she had no feelings for him. she couldn't stand the thought. She went home and wrote a letter on her computer. She printed it twice, signed both copies, addressed two envelopes, one for each, and put it in the post box. She came home and began to get ready.

  
  



	12. Destiny

a/n: please don't hate me.  
  


He arrived at the park at 6:15. He wanted to be there, to allow himself some time to calm down. If she came to him that night it would mean that she loved him again. He prayed that she would choose him. An old man was walking in the park. He looked into the young boys brown eyes. He recognized the look. It was one that said that the young man was about to do something, or something was going to happen which would alter his life. He walked on. It was true, the events of this night would be life altering. If she came to him, he wanted to spend the rest of his life to her. If she didn't choose him though....he couldn't bear the thought. He got up and paced around the park. He couldn't take that either. He sat down and pulled out a book. It calmed him down. He looked at his watch again. It was six twenty five. Thirty five more minutes and his life would change, for better or worse.  
  


He got the coffee shop at six twenty. He sat down and ordered a large cappuccino. He was nervous and scared, an old man sitting at a table near by recognized the look on his face. He was waiting for a girl, a special girl no doubt. He tapped his foot. He prayed she wold come to him. He pulled a velvet box out of his pocket. If she did come to him, if she loved him, he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. Being away form her had been hell and he never wanted that to go back. He couldn't imagine what he might do if she didn't come to him. he feared what he might become again, and shuddered at the thought. His coffee arrived, he looked at his watch, it was six thirty. Half an hour would decide his destiny.  
  


She looked in the mirror. She fixed a stray strand of hair. She walked outside and stood on the sidewalk. She still had no idea what to do. Since she had got home that afternoon, he had thought and thought and re-read every list she had ever made in concern to this decision. She had sat for half an hour listening to her heart, but it still didn't speak. All she knew was that she loved them both. To choose one would mean giving up the other. She would hurt one of them this night and the thought scared her to the core. She put her hands on her head, closed her eyes, titled her head to the sky and took a deep breath. She heard two men yelling loudly a few metres away, but her mind was so preoccupied she barley took note of it. She began to walk, and stepped off of the curb.  
  


It was 7:25, she hadn't come. He got up from the park bench, a sad defeated look on his face. He began his walk home. He would have to pass the coffee shop, he would probably have to see her with him.  
  


It was 7:25 and she hadn't come. He sighed, the sigh of a man who had just lost everything. He walked outside and headed home. He realized he would have to pass the park, would probably see her with him.  
  


There were cops everywhere. An ambulance could be heard in the distance. A crowd had formed in a circle, the police trying to keep everyone away. Two young men coming from opposite directions came to take a look at the crowd. There was broken glass all around and a car a few metres away. Both young men suddenly felt sick. They both pushed there way through the crowd, had to see who was lying there. The got to the front and both screamed. They fought thier way through the cops and ran to her. She was badly wounded. There was blood all over her and bits of glass on her face and close. They both grabbed for a hand, the cops tried to pull them off. She opened her eyes

"wait," she said weakly, "It's okay, their friends."

The cop saw the look on both their faces, he called the other cops away.

Both men were openly crying, both saying it was their fault. Over and over they repeated it.

"Shhhh," she said. Both looked into her eyes. They were still as beautiful as ever. She looked one in the eyes, then the other. she looked up, beyond them and smiled faintly.

"Goodbye." she drew her last breath. Both men stared in horror. She was gone.  
  


The two men watched as the ambulance drive away. It had come to late. She was gone. Neither would ever see her again. Their eyes met. They shared an unspoken bond of love and loss. They broke their gaze. They both went their separate ways. Each one was forever changed. From that night on their was a look in their eye, and only one who had lost the love of their life could ever understand. They never spoke of her again. Each one took a deep breath and walked, alone, into the night.


	13. The Letter

While you are reading this letter I may or may not be with you. Either way I would like for you to read this letter, so I might explain the way I felt about both of you and show you how hard this decision will be for me. Even as I write this, I am at a loss of words to explain myself, btu I will try as hard as I can to allow you to see from my point of view.

  
  


Tristan, when I first met you, you annoyed me, a lot. But as time passed I came to see in you something no one else saw, a real human being. I lied to you. I told you that our kiss didn't mean anything to me. It did. It was one of the only three significant kisses of my life. You helped me, without realizing it, I'm sure, an inner strength, for which I am grateful. When I was with you I was a different person, I was confidante and witty. You made me feel beautiful and you made me feel wanted.

  
  


Jess, from the first second I saw you, I knew that you were special. We shard so many of the same qualities. I never found someone else who I could argue for hours on end, over a book. With you I found passion, I found a new part of myself. You were my first. You meant so much to me. When I kissed you that first time at the wedding, it too was of the only three significant kisses of my life. You showed me what it was like to be loved unconditionally, and you too, made me feel wanted. 

  
  


When I walk out of my house tonight, I will be forced to make the hardest decision of my life, because how do you choose. Most people, in their lives, have only one true love. I have two. And how do you choose which one to let go. I never said it to either of you but the truth is I love both of you so much, I can't stand the thought of not having one of you in my life. I pray that if I've hurt you, you will one day be able to forgive me. Know that both of you will alway have my heart.

  
  


Love always

Rory


End file.
